The Unwelcome Mat

What part of NO SOLICITING is unclear?

Is the word “soliciting” too big for the average door-to-door salesperson? Maybe they’re all from Britain and they think my sign is anti-lawyer?

Whatever. It’s a tasteful sign, black, with gold lettering. Probably $1.99 at Home Depot. It came with the house, so I don’t know how much it cost. But I’m thinking of replacing it. Maybe with something neon, flashing letters. A hot pink flamingo beside it. Because I DON’T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED. I don’t want whatever you’re offering. I don’t want a new roof, a free estimate. I don’t want strangers knocking on my door.

When we moved here, Z was almost five months old and taking three or four naps a day. The doorbell was extremely loud, and while we didn’t often have unexpected visitors, the few times we did the clanging of the doorbell woke her up. My solution: a sign that reads “Please KNOCK instead of ringing doorbell.” It’s taped over the doorbell, so no one can miss it.

Should I add a post-script? “Please KNOCK instead of ringing doorbell, but if you’re selling something don’t even bother, unless you’re a girl scout selling cookies.”

I don’t want your new siding, your solar energy, your religion, your encyclopedias, or your pizza coupons. But I do want your cookies.

First Sentences in YA Lit

Here are 30 first sentences. Do you know the books they go to? If you know what I’ve been reading lately you’ll have an advantage, but I threw a few old favorites in just to keep you guessing. Um, obviously if the suspense is killing you it’s easy enough to find the answers online (which is why this isn’t a contest, just an excuse to use the information from my first-line notebook). I’ll post the authors & book titles on Monday.

The interesting part of this exercise is the discovery that some first lines are definite hooks. I know which ones I think are amazing, and I know which ones, well, aren’t. And there are a few that are not winning first sentences, but if you stick around for the rest of the paragraph–Wow (I’m thinking specifically of #17 when I write this).

Take a guess if you feel like it, or just enjoy!

1. We went to the moon to have fun, but the moon turned out to completely suck.

2. It was a dark and stormy night.

3. I remember lying in the snow, a small red spot of warm going cold, surrounded by wolves.

4. When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold.

5. I don’t believe in ghosts.

6. The tree woman choked on poison, the slow sap of her blood burning.

7. Chauncey was with a farmer’s daughter on the grassy banks of the Loire River when the storm rolled in, and having let his gelding wander in the meadow, was left to his own two feet to carry him back to the chateau.

8. Blood fills my mouth.

9. In these dungeons the darkness was complete, but Katsa had a map in her mind.

10. Her parents were going to kill her for this.

11. Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse I saw the dead guy standing next to my locker.

12. On the day Claire became a member of the Glass House, somebody stole her laundry.

13. Mommy forgot to warn the new babysitter about the basement.

14. Janie Hannagan’s math book slips from her fingers.

15. Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

16. “Please tell me that’s not going to be part of my birthday dinner this evening.”

17. There were only two kinds of people in our town.

18. Around midnight, her eyes at last took shape.

19. Torrential rain was pouring the afternoon Rebecca Brown arrived in New Orleans.

20. Dad had Uncle Eddie round, so naturally they had to come and see what I was up to.

21. It didn’t take Phoebe long to figure out Jeremy wasn’t coming back for her.

22. “Guess who?”

23. Someone was looking at me, a disturbing sensation if you’re dead. 

24. Some things start before other things.

25. Flames shot high, turning the night lurid with carnival light.

26. Everyone’s seen my mother naked. 

27. Jason was going to Brain Camp. 

28. I’d never given much thought to how I would die – though I’d had reason enough in the last few months – but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

29. My mother used to tell me about the ocean. 

30. There are these bizarre people who actually like physical education class.

Author Friends: I’d love to read your first sentences, too! Post them below.

Lettuce Have a Moment of Silence

Not for anything you know, like, serious. My winter garden is far, far past its prime, and I’ve got to tear up the lingerers.

The Few, the Proud, the Romaine

The sad thing: I don’t know if you can see the little reddish bits in the background, but those are my red-leaf lettuce seedlings, looking super-scrumptious. But I just learned that lettuce doesn’t do well here in summer, and it’s hard to learn that something I’ve nurtured might not thrive. (Like my first novel. But when I actually think about that one, all I really feel is relief.)

But so much that I grow does thrive. I’ve got more tomato plants than the fields down the road (this is an exaggeration. Sort of), and carrots doing their carrot thing below the soil, and strawberries sunflowers and anything else I can make room for. It’s work, but it’s fun work. And Z loves the strawberries. Sometimes a little too early.

Mother’s Day is Sunday (in case you’ve been hiding under a rock and haven’t noticed all the cards, flowers, and the bombardment of advertisements thrown at you in every medium). I’m looking forward to having Saturday off, and then Sunday to enjoy my family. And yes, I’m hoping for a present. A little material recognition of how well I take care of Z, and how I keep our house tidy and the dishes done (okay, maybe not those last two).

At the same time I’m really grateful for Z. Sure she can be an Unholy Terror of Screaming Proportions. But she makes me laugh all the time. I’d get her a present in honor of Mother’s Day…except it would just be another thing for me to avoid picking up when I don’t clean the house.

New Look! Same Great Taste!

A Friday Free-for-All…

I’ve been hating my old theme for awhile; that narrow strip of text stressed me out. But what doesn’t these days. Anyway, still working out the kinks with this new theme, so I apologize if you visit my website and are greeted with life-sized images of Z’s Entourage of stuffed animals.

Speaking of new looks. I need a haircut. Or,  like, a tattoo or something. Things are getting desperate, the elliptical machine is not working its magic, and I’m ready to take things into my own hands (or the hands of a talented hairstylist or tattoo artist). Z just noticed Husband’s tattoo for the first time the other day, and her delight was infectious. I’m ready to impress her with my own tattoo.

But you know, a haircut might do the trick.

Actually, she’d be thrilled with goldfish crackers.

And if I got a tattoo of a goldfish cracker!? I’d have myself a new 21-month-old BFF.

The thing is: I want a good haircut, and those aren’t cheap. At the same time, getting a real style seems sort of pointless, as I’ve worn my hair up every single day for the last fifteen years. Actually, I think I was born with my hair in a ponytail. (Total lie; I was a baldy just like Z was.) All I know is I’m ready for less hair. Something between what I’ve got now (down to middle of my back) and what I was born with (nada).

I’m adding a new feature to my blog: interviews with UNpublished authors. If you are a struggling writer, or just a writer who would love to be published someday, don’t wait for fame to come to you! Tackle fame through my obscure website, where I will treat you as a guest on my very own imaginary talk show. Which means: without the makeup and hairstyle, and without a studio audience. Leave a comment if you want the glory.

I promise I won’t make fun of you. Much.

Since what the world needs now is Clark, sweet Clark, I end with this:

Writer Quiz

Dreamer? Wisher? Hoper? Player? [A Friday Free-for-All Entry]

1. Do you have at least seven titles but no salable manuscript?

2. Have you spent over two hours finessing your writing space (on purpose–not just cumulatively over the years)?

3. Is your Acknowledgments page already drafted (if even in your head)?

4. Do you read five or more different writer blogs?

5. Can you hear your friends groaning when you ask them to read your manuscript (again)? Even if you’re asking in an email?

6. How many times have you checked the query success pie charts on an authors website like authoradvance.com?

7. Have you ever used your blog as an excuse to put off revising your manuscript?

8. Have you ever used dirty dishes as an excuse to put off revising your manuscript?

9. Is your manuscript…
a) halfway through the first draft
b) finished after only a few months
c) halfway through a rewrite after it was supposedly finished?

10. If someone asked you to describe your writing routine, would your answer be among the following?
a) when inspiration hits
b) when my child takes her nap
c) when the moon is full and I’ve just finished a Laurell K. Hamilton book for inspiration

11. How many drinks does it take for you to think your writing is “really great?” Is it the same number it takes to make you think you’re speaking fluently in a foreign language?

12. Do you indulge in fantasies where Stephenie Meyer greets you with the words, “Dang, I wish I had thought of that idea”?

13. Do you indulge in fantasies where Seth Green bites your neck (as he did Stephenie Meyer’s) at the premier of your book-made-into-a-film? Have you lost 15 pounds in said fantasy?

14. Do you feel just a tad bit queasy posting this blog entry, knowing that it’s sort of a confession but put into the form of a survey?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, wow. Get thee to a writer’s conference.

Yes, yes. I’m going. Tomorrow.

Reno, bay-bee!