List

Housewife Couture Don’ts

Posted on by Beth Hull

As a homebody stay-at-homie, I’ve found that tasteful dress can go far in making me feel better and in positioning me to expect a better day. And even if the day is doomed to be crap (hello feverish whiny toddler), wearing ill-fitting clothes that make me look like Hagrid cannot possibly help. Below are some Don’ts I have compiled for myself.

Don’t…

  • wear a tight camisole and boxer shorts. While such an outfit might be comfortable in hot weather, I don’t want to have to rush to my bedroom to change if someone knocks on the door.
  • wear the same ratty pair of sweatpants every single day. It’s just bad for morale. (Yet I do it day after day after day.)
  • wear clothes that are tight. Life is too short; I shouldn’t squeeze myself into anything.
  • wear clothes that need safety pins to stay together. A certain pair of Husband’s hand-me-down boxers comes to mind here. Granted, I was pregnant when I wore that particular garment, but still. No more.
  • try to wear t-shirts in summer. Tank tops were made for a reason. Personally, I find the sleeves on t-shirts irritating when it is hot. I guess I’m a California girl through & through.
  • wear stained clothes. The one exception is to have some dirty-work clothes. Only wear them when doing things like painting or having food fights.
  • flash too much flesh. I am not guilty of this one (I don’t think?) but there was a particular young mother at the zoo one day, wearing a belly-baring halter top. It is not my place to judge…okay, fine. I judged. If I wear a belly-baring halter top, please judge me. But only after giving me a sweater to hide in.

Do…wear comfortable clothes that make me feel glorious. Do embrace color. Do clothe my body in soft fabrics. Do find things that fit and are flattering for my current body (not the one I had when I was twenty, not the one I had when I was twenty-five, not the one I had when I was pregnant with Z).

Do…plaster feel-good positive affirmations over every mirrored surface.

How to Become a Better Writer

Posted on by Beth Hull

Because I knew everything when I was 13. Possibly 12 or 14. Carbon dating is not currently in my skill set, so we’re going by the tiny circles dotting the i’s (it’s faint, but maybe you can see it a tiny bit? Yeah, barely, sorry, couldn’t find a “darken” feature on my scanner).

But first. When people say “from the archives” in BlogLand, I think they usually mean a past blog post. Not so in this case. “The archives” are an old filing cabinet, a gift from my BFF B-Dawg. Covered in stickers (the file cabinet, not the friend):

I can't wait to tear apart the vampire and werewolf stories I found! This file cabinet is almost better than the New Kids On the Block pillowcase I found in my old doll closet. The wonders of exploring our garage/time capsule.

Here’s the list!

1. Strong characters

2. Learn lots on different subjects

3. Make stronger plots

4. Make “touching” stories, but keep humor

5. Don’t give yourself limits, be creative

6. It’s not bad to draw in the margins, it helps you think

7. Plot story before writing. [Okay, I’ve been refraining from commenting on my juvenile “advice,” but I have to interject here. I LOVE plotting. I could plot all day. But after finishing one set of revisions on The Black City, I’ve been writing fiction without plotting, and it’s great fun. Scary, but fun. And most people will advise you to do the opposite, to just write & let the characters lead you wherever their little hearts desire, but I just wanna say: do what works best for YOU.]

8. Work on self-discipline, you need lots [You may also want to explore punctuation options because your ignorance of the semi-colon is driving me crazy.]

9. Increase vocabulary

10. Clean up room, cleaner environments give you more ideas [See, this has been a problem for me since childhood.]

11. If you run out of ideas, stop because if you feel bored, readers will feel bored [Again, IGNORE this advice. If you run out of ideas, keep going. Something will come, maybe something you’re not expecting. Or maybe total crap. But see #8 above.]

12. Study and/or invent the background that you want your story to have [Do I mean setting here? We’d have to send a message in a time-travel capsule to ask my younger self.]

13. Make lists of things that you want in your story [I’ve always been a fan of lists.]

14. Keep a diary and it increases your vocabulary and sense of feelings

15. Make stupid lists like this when you’re bored

Danger. Have Book. Will Ignore. Everything.

Posted on by Beth Hull

Long, long, long ago, when I was a little munchkin, I loved to read books. Fast forward through the awkward middle school years, the dark teen angsty years, the wow-I-can-sleep-in-every-damn-day college years, and into the I-will-never-get-to-sleep-in-ever-again years of parenting. And I still love to read books.

It isn’t always as easy to find the time, and I almost never have the peace I used to have for it. But I still sneak books in wherever I can. While I’m fixing lunch, I might take a little extra time than usual. There might be one or two unnecessary trips to the bathroom during the afternoon. For the excruciating weeks when I had to stand in Z’s doorway as she fell asleep, I listened to audiobooks.

But it’s always a risk. If the book is terrible (and again and again I wonder how these things are even published, but that will always remain one of the world’s unsolvable mysteries)…where was I? Oh yes, if the book is terrible, and I read the whole thing (as I almost always do, because even if I hate the main character or think the plot is completely contrived or will scream my head off if another teenage protagonist LOVES the library)…where was I? So if I get through it, I’m grouchy because I wasted time on a dumb book.

The even bigger risk, though, is a book that sucks me in. With a short one, like Elizabeth Scott’s The Unwritten Rule, where the main character is totally completely forever in love with her best friend’s boyfriend, I’m pretty safe. I can get through the book in a couple of hours, quickly unload the dishwasher, read Z a story and jet to the park, and I feel like a good stay-at-home mommie.

But if it’s a suck-you-in book and it’s big and fat, like Jennifer Donnelly’s Revolution, and I have to get to the end of the story and it takes me more than a day, and I let everything go – housework, play dates, personal hygiene…those are the dangerous books. It’s a safe bet that we will eat, but the meals might be a little later than usual, and perhaps less involved. And heaven forbid if Z’s potty breaks don’t coincide with my own. “You have to what? But I just sat down with my book!” Suddenly I regret potty training.

If you want to get sucked in, here are some recent favorites. I’ve reviewed some of them here in my blog and helpfully provided the links…but why waste the time on a review when you can go read the book?

So it’s the weekend, you’ve got plenty of time. Get thee to a bookstore!

The Challenge of Turning 30

Posted on by Beth Hull

The clock is ticking and I’ve got six months left of my twenties. I want to do them right.

The thing is, I feel like a kid most of the time. There’re all kinds of things I don’t know how to do or even handle, and so like the bibliophile I am I turned to a book. I (rather smugly) gave this one to Husband when he turned 30:

30 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do Before Turning 30, by Siobhan Adcock.

Here they are (lifted from the back of the book) (with slight commentary as embellishment where necessary):

  1. wrap a present
  2. start a successful fire in a fireplace, at a campsite, and in a barbecue
  3. finish a piece of furniture
  4. get a raise (whahahaha!)
  5. order wine at a restaurant without getting stiffed
  6. parallel park in three breathtakingly beautiful movements
  7. dance a “slow dance” without looking like an idiot
  8. use a full place setting properly, including chopsticks and Asian soup spoons
  9. clean your place in under 45 minutes, when friends, relatives, or prospective lovers (hahahaha) are coming by unexpectedly, and soon
  10. hold your liquor
  11. cure a hangover
  12. do the Heimlich maneuver
  13. use a compass
  14. change a flat
  15. jump-start a car
  16. open a champagne bottle
  17. send a drink to someone’s table
  18. cook one “signature meal” (I’m shuddering in fear at this one)
  19. whistle with your fingers
  20. take good pictures
  21. fold a fitted sheet (those damn things are so annoying!)
  22. remove common stains
  23. sew a button
  24. carve turkey, lasagna, and birthday cake
  25. hold a baby (hahaha!)
  26. change a diaper (if only I didn’t know how to do this)
  27. keep a plant alive for more than a year
  28. make dogs and cats love you
  29. help someone out of a car
  30. write superior thank-you notes

The rules for my challenge are simple. I have until my thirtieth birthday. I’ll write here about my successes and failures. I’ll try not to burn down any cities (#1–whoops, Dana pointed out this should be #2, not #1), bite off my fingers (#19), or make everyone else’s pets move to my house (#28). As much as possible, I’ll stick to my regular blog posting schedule, but if I have Breaking News, things might get switched up a bit. Breaking News will not include items I feel I already have proficiency in (such as keep a plant alive for more than a year, hold a baby, change a diaper, and a couple of others).

Wanna join me? No age requirements. You can be 30, close to 30, or nowhere near 30 (on either side of the number).

In totally unrelated self-promotion, come by on Friday for an interview with Vintage Veronica author Erica S. Perl, and my first ever Giveaway Awesomeness.

Have a monster in your pants

Posted on by Beth Hull

or, a slightly off-color post…in lieu of a book review.

I have tons of book reviews I could write, but not enough time, and this post is already late.

Instead, I would like to share with you the engaging, insightful, and creative phrases found in my gmail Spam folder. And I will confess: I save these gems of wordsmithing to view again and again. Gmail deletes them after thirty days, but I revisit them until they’re gone.

I’m very picky as to what I save. The subject line must have a) unique phrasing, b) out-of-this-world euphemisms, c) thought-provoking visuals, or d) come accompanied with an inside-the-head accent (such as “You have not had sex with Russian girl? Come to us and you shall have it!” which inspired its very own blog post).

Because I have gone to such lengths (har har) saving these in my Spam folder, deleting those messages with quotidian subject lines and letting only these remain, I will share five of them with you today.

So here they are, the witty wonders, in order of appearance:

1) Enjoy the juicy boobs

2) Secret to women’s virginity (On the surface this one doesn’t sound exceptional, but when you really consider the meaning, the stupidity of it is what appeals. The secret to women’s virginity is, obviously, that they have not, ahem, done it, and why should this be so fascinating as to get people to click on the email and open up a whole host of dirty websites and/or virtual (or possibly not-virtual) viruses? Because the person to open this email would be a stupid one.)

3) Women love it huge

4) Uncensored upskirt shots

5) Have a monster in your pants

When I say I enjoy collecting these, I really do mean it, so feel free to share amusing subject lines from your own Spam folder. However, let’s keep it PG-13 appropriate here.