Ninja Slacker Mom

Posted on by Beth Hull

Confession scene from a serialized magazine ve...

"All right, I confess. I am a slacker mom." Image via Wikipedia

I have a confession which really isn’t much of a confession as I’ve never made a secret of its validity: I am a slacker mom.

When pregnant with Z, I taught high school. School ended in early June and Z wasn’t due until mid-August, so I figured the summer would be an excellent time to start my “Beth would make an excellent stay-at-home-mother” campaign. I thought I would cook the occasional meal, keep the house tidy, and generally show what a responsible adult I could be. What I ended up doing was writing tons in my diary, nearly-finishing my first novel, and taking nap upon nap upon nap. I would finish one nap only to start another one, and the only acceptable interruption to a nap was food. Habit Burger, usually. Excellent fuel for a growing fetus.

Naturally, I justified this behavior as my last-huzzah before becoming a responsible parent. Once I had a kid, I’d have plenty of time to do all the housewife things I’d always dreamed of.

Fantasy. Fantasy. Fantasy.

My stay-at-home-mommy-ness is defined by sneaking every spare minute I can possibly find for myself. And stealing other minutes that I can’t find. Time has become my eureka, my force, my raison d’etre.

I do laundry when I feel like it, or as is often the case, when it’s absolutely necessary. The same thing goes for washing the dishes and cleaning the bathrooms. Sure, I go through bouts where I vow to wash the dishes every evening while Husband gives Z her bath, but it soon turns into “wash the dishes every other morning” and eventually the vow devolves into something like “wash the dishes when company is coming over.”

Other stay-at-homers might complain about all the time they spend cleaning. Why bother? I wonder. They spend time with their kids, and they clean, and then there isn’t much time left for themselves. I spend time with my kid, I don’t clean, and I steal as much writing time as I can. It’s so much more fulfilling.

It can backfire, though. Sometimes I’m so intent on my ninja-stealth-time-thievery that I forget important things, like Husband. Or Z. And all I want to do is read-this-book-right-now-disturb-me-and-suffer-my-wrath. That’s when it’s time for a reality check, usually provided free-of-charge in the form of an incredulous look on Husband’s face. Then after Z’s tucked in bed, we curl up together and watch Castle on hulu. With take-out. Because after all that work, do you really expect me to cook a meal?

This post by Hyperbole and a Half says it (and draws it) a hundred times better than I ever could.

Plain Kate by Erin Bow

Posted on by Beth Hull

A copy of this book landed in my lap (thanks Mary!) and I devoured it.

Kate lives in (what sounds like) Russia in an era of magic and superstition. Her problem: her village has begun to think she is a witch. Yes, she is a carver (skill with a knife is a sign of a witch), she has different-colored eyes (ooh), and she has a cat friend who follows her everywhere (yup, definitely a witch). A mysterious man cruelly helps the witch rumors along, then convinces Kate to leave town, but not before trading her some survival necessities for…her shadow.

Beyond “did I like it?” (because I really, really did), do I think Plain Kate works? Overall, yes. Through the course of the novel I got to know Kate very well, from her love of wood-carving to her fears: of losing her shadow, of being kicked out of the Roamers’ caravan, of being alone. Knowing the character intimately is one of the best ways to get a reader to care.

As far as supporting cast – that is also very strong. My favorite supporting character was Kate’s sidekick, Taggle. A cat. I will say no more about him except you should read this book if for no other reason than to meet Taggle.

What worked best in the book, and what I will be re-reading this book to study, is how the setting and tone work together to create this beautiful, spooky mood. The lyrical prose (you know how I’m always raving about that) is also out of this world…unsurprising as Bow has also published a book of poems.

The beginning felt a little slow to me, but this could be because I was in such a rush to start reading that I didn’t give myself a good chunk of time to get immersed. Once I’d invested a half hour of reading time, I couldn’t put Plain Kate down.

To visit Erin Bow’s website, click here. If you visit, be prepared to forget whatever else you had planned. I found an absorbing essay on her “Odds and Ends” page and stayed up late to read the whole thing.

NiFtY Author: Elizabeth Kolodziej

Posted on by Beth Hull

Gods, witches, werewolves, and…vampires! Timed just right for Halloween weekend, I give you a NiFtY Interview with Elizabeth Kolodziej, author of Vampyre Kisses.

BH: What’s your one-paragraph pitch for your novel, Vampyre Kisses?

EK: Vampyre Kisses is an enthralling story about a young woman, Faith, who meets a 400-year-old vampire named Trent. It isn’t long before Faith learns that she herself is a witch with a long family history. After finding out that Trent is a vampire along with being a terrific kisser he helps her find a way to take control of her powers. Soon powerful gems are stolen from the werewolf royalty and vampire master and they must be found. The reader will take a journey through a new kind of universe that is full of gods, vampires, witches and werewolves.

BH: Tell us a little about your path to publication.

EK: Well, I did try to go the traditional route, but I didn’t have any agents that wanted to take my story on. After awhile I decided to self publish my book. I truly believe that the book is great and with good marketing on my part I can get a wide range of people interested in it. I have readers all over the USA along with readers in the UK, Spain, and India. But I would warn anyone thinking of self-publishing that it is not easy. It takes you putting in your own money, lots of time, and being very open minded to do well.

BH: Okay, your bio saying that you’re a “young fiction writer” begs the rather rude question: how old are you? “Young” could be twelve or eighty-five, depending on perspective.

EK: hehe. I haven’t gotten this question yet! To be honest, I am a little over 90. Haha. J/K. Actually I am 25, which is young. I don’t care what anyone says!

BH: How long have you been writing fiction?

EK: I don’t remember the exact age I began, but I have been writing since I was around 8. I would read books on whales and then write research papers on them. I did this for fun; yes I was a nerd and still am. I wrote a few short stories when I was around 10 that were fiction. When I was 13 I began my first book but I never completed it though I was pretty much at the end of it.

I have always been the imaginative type though. I like to make up fantasies in my head. It actually really helps my writing because I can see the character in my head and the gestures that they make.

BH: I read on your website that Vampyre Kisses is the first in a planned series. How many books do you have planned? Have you outlined them all, or do you have a more general vision of the series?

EK: Right now I am almost half way through the second book. It is going to be called something like Lupine Secrets or Lupine Seductions. I haven’t decided yet. This book is outlines. For the third book I have an idea of what I want to do but nothing on paper yet. I think I could get a good five books or more out of this series. I have many ideas going on in my head when it comes to these characters.

BH: Faith is described as a girl who is mostly content but craves excitement. What sets her apart from the average young woman?

EK: Faith is a young adult in her early twenties and truthfully, I wanted Faith to be not average but just a regular person with a working job and dreams. When she finds out that she is a witch is when she starts having to learn and grow up quickly. What may make her unique is how she easily embraces the supernatural world she is thrust into. I find that it is easy for her because a part of her as been searching for where she belongs, for her witch side to be let out. I really hope that is apparent to readers in the book.

BH: The model wearing the Vampyre Kisses T-Shirt on your website is obviously not you. Any clues to the mystery man’s identity?

EK: I guess I can let that cat out of the bag. The mystery man is my muse. He is the one who would comfort me during my most depressing writers block and help me by letting me bounce ideas off of him. My number one cheerleader and someone who without, this book might not be written the way that is.

BH: What is your favorite book on the craft of writing?

EK: I would say one of my favs is the book, Book in a Month by Victoria Lynn Schmidt. I am very big on organization and this book offered me this. That book or The Art of War for Writers by James Scott Bell. I think that book is just fantastic in what it can teach you with such few words.

BH: What is the best writing advice anyone has given you?

EK: The best advice I ever got was from my professors at George Mason University who told me that to write a good book one must read many books, even the ones you don’t think you’ll like. This proved to be very correct. Even reading Milton’s Paradise Lost, which was the most difficult thing ever, really showed me other ways to make descriptions and connect with my own characters.

BH: Thank you, Elizabeth, for answering my questions and sharing your book, as well as your thoughts on the writing life!

Want more? You can visit Elizabeth on her website, as well as Facebook and Twitter (see below)…and if you’d like some vampire along with your Halloween, websites where you can purchase Vampyre Kisses are listed below as well.

Publisher’s Website: http://bit.ly/9aYtXo

Barnes and Noble: http://bit.ly/dpJsLC

Amazon: http://amzn.to/byci6O

Kindle: http://amzn.to/bMzSKN

Facebook.com/kweenkitten

Twitter.com/ejkolodziej

One Fish, Two Fish, Blue-fish, Blue-fish, Blue-fish

Posted on by Beth Hull

In which the Ever-Suffering Mother gets crafty.

Last year's Red-winged Blackbird costume. I'm smiling 'cause the sewing is OVER.

This Halloween, Z is old enough to choose what she wants to be. Her first Halloween she wasn’t even three months old, so I got to decide (butterfly). Second Halloween,  I got to decide (Red-winged Blackbird). Third Halloween: she wants to be a fish (not what I would have chosen).

"Baby" as model.

So here’s how I made a very easy fish costume. Some assembly required. But no sewing.

Step One: Find a babysitter. You do NOT want to take your two-year-old into Jo-Ann’s Fabrics. Bad idea.

Step Two: Head to a craft and fabric store to gather materials needed. You will need:

  • 2 pieces of poster board. I chose blue because she wants to be a blue fish, but it doesn’t really matter.
  • fabric. Two yards total would have been fine for my two-year-old. I went overboard, buying four different shades of blue, some with bling, some shiny. It depends on what you want for the end result. One yard should be your “base” for the fish, so when scales don’t match up right, you don’t have poster board showing through. Note: I think I got extra mileage from my “yard” because the fabric is sheer and was doubled up.
  • 2 9X12-inch foam sheets (the ones I bought are 2 mm thick)
  • dark blue ribbon
  • spray glue
  • strong masking tape
  • a lot of hope
  • prayer won’t hurt

Step Three: Cut a toddler-sized fish shape (minus fins – so basically an oval) from both pieces of poster board (just grit your teeth and eyeball it, then cut away). I used Z to measure how long to make the ovals.

Step Four: Cut out the fins for the bottom. Z’s fins are one foot wide.

Step Five: Cut two ovals from your large piece of base fabric to roughly match size of poster board ovals

Step Six: Cut out lots and lots of “scales” from the fabric. I was not exact on this, and I think the more size/shape variation you have for the scales, the cooler it will look. The scales I cut were anywhere from 5 inches long to 6.5 inches long, and between 3 and 4 inches wide.

Step Seven: Using the spray glue, glue the base fabric onto the poster board. If it’s wrinkly, don’t worry, it’ll barely show after the scales are on. Trim off excess fabric.

Step Eight: Use masking tape to attach the fins to the bottom (tape them to the reverse side of the poster board so the tape doesn’t show).

Step Nine: (the fun part!) Glue on the scales. I started at the bottom and used spray glue. I glued the bottom row first, then moved up to the next row, trying to vary the ways the scales overlapped within rows. I don’t think it really matters.

Step Ten: Using whatever genius is left over in your craft-fried brain, figure out a way to attach the two pieces of poster board to make a front and back of the fish. I used ribbon (fixing it in place with extra masking tape), but I will probably change this before the Big Day, because I don’t think ribbon is strong enough to withstand a toddler running around. I might use leftover scraps from the poster board (and more masking tape. Love masking tape).

I am not worrying about extra fins or anything. The scales and tail fins peg it as a fish. I only lost one night of writing by working on it, and Z LOVES it, so I’m a happy mom.

Z modeling her costume at school

 

Ruined by Paula Morris (again)

Posted on by Beth Hull

This post is dedicated to the lazy students writing book reports.

ETA, PLEASE NOTE: I am not able to give any help on this book. I’m closing comments for that very reason.

 

Setting: New Orleans, Louisiana, shortly after Hurricane Katrina blasted through and ruined (ahem) many lives and livelihoods. It’s definitely gloomy and spooky in places. [You don’t know how tempting it is for me to tell you cheaters this book takes place in Iceland. So tempting. Actually, there might be a scene in Iceland, towards the end. If I remember correctly (and I might not), Rebecca takes her beloved library books and whaps Helena over the head with them.]

Characters:

Rebecca Brown, the main character. She likes libraries [and this is extremely important to the story].

Anton Grey, the hottie inexplicably drawn to Rebecca.

Helena Bowman, Rebecca’s snooty arch-nemesis.

Lisette, the ghost who helps Rebecca piece together the secrets of Rebecca’s life and the secrets of Lisette’s death.

Theme: I don’t know; months have passed since I read this book. If you’re writing a book report, you can always make something up. I frequently did (but before you think I’m getting all chummy or approving of you cheating by looking up these details on a website that maybe you can trust, maybe not, I will also say that I actually read the books I reported on. Except Moby Dick. But that is much longer than a 307-page contemporary fantasy and while some people actually enjoy reading Moby Dick (or say they do), that book was not for me). ETA Dec. 2015: I finally read Moby Dick! YAY!

As long as you can support whatever you say about the theme with evidence from the book, you should be golden. A good starting point for a theme is “friendship versus secrets.”

Symbols: Go for fire, gravestones, angels. Oh, and libraries. Again, what they symbolize is up to you, but you’ll impress your teacher if you cite evidence from the story or even – gasp! – supply quotations placed within quotation marks, followed by page numbers. If you are usually a slacker, and your teacher has a heart condition, please just skip this step. Pretend you don’t know what a symbol is. I don’t want to be responsible for any teacher deaths. Teachers work hard and deserve long happy lives.

That’s it. I didn’t rein in my tendency for parenthetical journeys into the Land of Totally Irrelevant. And it was oh, so fun.

12/6/2015. EDITED TO ADD: I am closing comments because I can’t offer help anymore. I read this book a loooong time ago and don’t remember enough to give specifics. I wish you students all the very best with your papers!