Have a monster in your pants

or, a slightly off-color post…in lieu of a book review.

I have tons of book reviews I could write, but not enough time, and this post is already late.

Instead, I would like to share with you the engaging, insightful, and creative phrases found in my gmail Spam folder. And I will confess: I save these gems of wordsmithing to view again and again. Gmail deletes them after thirty days, but I revisit them until they’re gone.

I’m very picky as to what I save. The subject line must have a) unique phrasing, b) out-of-this-world euphemisms, c) thought-provoking visuals, or d) come accompanied with an inside-the-head accent (such as “You have not had sex with Russian girl? Come to us and you shall have it!” which inspired its very own blog post).

Because I have gone to such lengths (har har) saving these in my Spam folder, deleting those messages with quotidian subject lines and letting only these remain, I will share five of them with you today.

So here they are, the witty wonders, in order of appearance:

1) Enjoy the juicy boobs

2) Secret to women’s virginity (On the surface this one doesn’t sound exceptional, but when you really consider the meaning, the stupidity of it is what appeals. The secret to women’s virginity is, obviously, that they have not, ahem, done it, and why should this be so fascinating as to get people to click on the email and open up a whole host of dirty websites and/or virtual (or possibly not-virtual) viruses? Because the person to open this email would be a stupid one.)

3) Women love it huge

4) Uncensored upskirt shots

5) Have a monster in your pants

When I say I enjoy collecting these, I really do mean it, so feel free to share amusing subject lines from your own Spam folder. However, let’s keep it PG-13 appropriate here.