When teaching high school English, I endeavored to impress upon my impressionable young ninth graders not only the life-giving truths of simile, metaphor, and onomatopoeia, but the simple life rule that you NEVER ASK A WOMAN, ANY WOMAN, IF SHE IS PREGNANT.

“What if she’s obviously pregnant?” they said. They hadn’t yet learned to trust my absolute wisdom. It was the first half of the school year, after all.

“That’s the problem. She might look obviously pregnant, or she might look sort of pregnant. But if she’s NOT pregnant, then you’ve just committed a serious crime. And keeping your mouth shut is always safe.”

Not every person was blessed with a high school English teacher of my caliber. I pity these people.

So let me say this again, for the benefit of busybodies and other uncool members of the public who think it’s okay to ask a woman personal questions about the contents of her uterus: Keeping your mouth shut is always safe.

On the bright side, no one has asked me this question in a long time (it’s either the glare of my gaze or the beer in my hand), and this blog post is instead the result of someone else telling a friend she looked pregnant. And I’ve gotta say, this friend has a supermodel’s body. I would do just about anything to have her body (except give up chocolate, and therein lies the problem, my friends). The fact someone asked Super Amazing Body Friend if she was pregnant is reassuring to ME. But not to SABF.

Again, just in case someone missed the announcement: Keeping your mouth shut is always safe.

It’ll be on Friday’s quiz.

Oh! And don’t forget to comment on last Friday’s post, for a chance to win an advance reader’s copy of Heidi Ayarbe’s new YA book, Compulsion. Click here to go there.