First I saw this. And freaked out.
Then I guessed it was an exoskeleton, & freaked out more.
Then I decided to vacuum the whole house (@Izandra thought the best solution was to move and burn the house down…I seriously considered that option first). And when I got ready to vacuum, I saw an extra leg behind the curtain loop. (Please note: that is a vase, not a cup.)
I feel only a little bit bad being happy that Homes was here, sick in bed, and I could accidentally-on-purpose wake him up to remove the spider. He took a picture of it outside in its new habitat. (For the record, “the backyard” does not count as “way the hell away from our house EEEEEEE!” as per my instructions. However, the arachnid is no longer residing in our living room and I will have to be content with that.)